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Tuesday, August 19, 2008
12:33AM
My family buried my dog yesterday. I helped dig the hole and threw one of the first handfuls of dirt on his grave. I cried alot, for once. I haven't been much of a crier with the few times that I could have cried being times that I held it in for a greater impression.
This really sucked and it only makes me sadder to know that when I get older, it will only get much, much worse.
signed
sadness
Monday, August 11, 2008
1:12AM
I wish I knew how to really care about things. Have some kind of passion in something that's not baseball. I have come to the realization that I don't think better than "good" on anything aside from baseball. No movies or other sports, no music, no places. This leaves me to wonder, can anything else feel this way that isn't clinically depressed? I've felt passionate about things before, I think, now it's all become something for me to do not something for me to enjoy.
I like to think that this isn't completely asanine that I don't feel like some empty amaeba kinda taking up space. I like to think I have purpose, but If I'm not passionate, what kind of purpose can I have? To help others be passionate or to find that certain something? Or do I have to be like this, only really caring about something I can never do professionally and perhaps even recreationally. I've blown out my knee enough taht I don't even know if I wanna try stuff anymore. Even though I want to, I don't want to have surgery and that leaves me even more melancholly than I usually am, which is pretty sad.
I've always been passionate about others. Like Kevin and Stefanie for instance, about being a good friend or a good boyfriend (respectively). But this doesn't feel like enough, more passion awaits me somewhere, something that is so completely mind blowing that I'll beable to hardly contain myself (I hope). Let's say there is for now, because I'd really hate to think that I have to live the rest of my life like this, or rather, the rest of my life and someone else's . . .
signed
passionateless
Current music: tv - sportscenter
Thursday, August 7, 2008
12:16AM
Sometimes I think about things too much, usually after I watch a show or movie that triggers something inside of my head. I wonder if I'm moving too fast . . . or slow. If I'm making all the right choices. Sometimes I really wish I knew the outcome before I made decisions, it would have really made a difference and fed all my curiosities. But would I be right now if I made all those "right" or different choices? Maybe.
Something I think about more than I should is my dog, who passed away like a week or two ago. I wasn't there when they put him to sleep, I was so mad, mostly at myself, for not making myself avaiable in case it happened. But thinking about it, how much worse would I be if I did see him die in front of me? I knew it was coming eventually, but seeing someone (or thing) die must really be a life altering experience.
I know it's just like everyone else but I question pretty much every move I make. Should I be taking off this weekend to see Stefanie? probably not, I need the money. But on the alternate side, I need her. It's not like she won't be coming to school in 2 weeks. But I miss her and I love her, and isn't that the point? I try not to think about the future, mostly just about the past and all those decisions I've made. Keeping it in the present gives me less stuff to think about. I can honestly say, I've thoroughly thought about the future like twice. Both times had to do with kids (you probably weren't expecting that one) and the circumstances of both will probably come at a later time. (If you're really that curious, ask me). But back to my original thought, if you miss and love someone that much you should always try to do what you can to not only keep it going but keep sacrificing. At this point in my life, I would sacrifice so much for her because when the future does eventually come, she'd be an amazing person to be there. You're never going to remember the things you didn't do, but the things you did for someone else. Yea, I can still remember some of the things I did for someone else and it's times like those that make you feel the best about yourself. I would know, I've pretty much lived my life trying to keep my friends safe and happy. I just wish some of it was received as well as I would have hoped.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
It's been awhile (obviously)
Basic jist of my life over that ti9me span. I graduated Br Rice and am going to UIC, I'm a junior studying industrial engineering and am enjoying it.
I went back and read some old posts and for everyone involved in those posting conversations, wow. I made a live journal with the intent of connecting with people i couldn't connect with otherwise . . . for one reason or another. It worked for awhile, it seemed because I started "talking" to Pifko, but that faded as the comments on my posts got more insulting and he began to agree with them. It's not because he disagreed with me that I didn't like it, it's because he agreed with absurb comments.
Anyway, an over-view, my girlfriend at the time of 8-2005 broke up, I got a new one at college. an asian who lived on the northside. We then broke up and I have had the privelege of dating someone new, Stefanie. She lives an hr and a 1/2 away and we've been goin out since late october of 07. I also have 2 jobs right now, Tweeter Center and Millenium Park, security at both places. Previously I had sign dancing in the 07 summer and I kept my Allstate job until 06. I've been injured twice. Torn MCL on my left knee (both times). I joined a fraternity, Phi Kappa Psi and in playing football and basketball for my fraternity . . . that's how I got hurt. And recently my dog passed away.
I'm a few years older, few years wiser and more educated. And should have more to offer the online world. And for now, I'm going to bed, I guess, busy day tomorrow.
signed apathetic
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
10:01PM
It's been a damn long time since I last typed on this. Well here goes the highlights of my life over the summer . . . First off . . I love my babe, Amanda, she's the best thing ever to happen to me
May 16th was the last day I updated, so let me think . . . . I went to school for another week or two then I worked full time over the summer workin more hours that I even thoght were in a day got alot of money and bought a car . .I have an '05 Malibu classic, nice car only 10 grand miles on it, should last me. Gas prices are a bitch. I've gotten closer to friends I once separated from and things are pretty good, school sucks though . . and Amanda left for ISU some time ago, it's killin me. I love her so much and I just wish she was here, so we can be together and not have to talk onlnie all the time, have to express my feelins in ** . . ** instead of real hugs and kisses. I don't think she truely knows how much she means to me, even through some tough times I've had. She's my world.
I went to ISU last Saturday (but shhh I wasn't suppose to be there) and I saw her so I'm OK now I guess, I still really miss her.
At my job I'm hopin to get a raise within the next few weeks, but I don't know if it's time yet for one so I'll be patient. And I don't have an 8th period so that means I get to work early and more money for gas prices . . . damn them. But I'm goin to go, Hopefully I'll be on again before I die, until then goodbye ya'll . . I love you Amanda
Current music: TV - futurama
Monday, May 16, 2005
8:42PM
01. Who are you, what's our relationship:
02. How and where did we meet:
03. What's my name:
04. How long have you known me:
05. Tell me one good thing about myself:
06. When you first saw me what was your impression:
07. Do we have a good relationship:
08. Birthday:
09. My age:
10. Color eyes:
11. Do i have any siblings:
12. Have you ever had a crush on me:
13. What's one of my favorite thing to do:
14. How would you describe me to someone:
15. Describe me in 3 words:
16. Name 5 things i love:
17. Do you think i'm good looking:
18. What do you like most about me:
19. Would you ever date me:
20. Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
21: Have we ever gotten in a fight:
22: If we could spend a day together what would we do:
23: What do you think my weakness is?
24: Do you think we will be friends for ever:
25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
26. What makes me sad:
27. Did I ever make u cry:
28. What makes me happy:
29. When's the last time you saw me:
30. What reminds you of me:
31. If you could give me anything what would it be:
32. If you can change what happen in the past, what would it be:
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same:
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen:
35. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you:
36. Did we ever have an embarrass moment together:
37. What is the nicest thing you ever did for me:
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
39. Would you make a move on me?
40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day?
Wednesday, May 4, 2005
12:14AM
Too much to say so little time . . .
I can't help but wonder what determines our worth to not only one another, but to the world. How are we defined. I woudl imagine it would be nothing like a dictionary where we woudl just be looked up and found, but a deeper perspective must be seen.
On the way to work today, I began reciting lyrics . . . not to a song or to a poem I've heard, but new ones. "As I walk down the road I see / I now wonder what will become of me. Down this pavement I shall go / What place is next, I don't know. As I stagger here and stagger there / I seem to notice I stagger everywhere. What am I to think of this deed / Is it something I really need. Then deeper and farther I contemplate / what i am to demonstrate. What is that purpose that I desire / Where is my passion burning a fire. How can i get off the ground and fly / or am I destined here, to be, to cry." Granted taht isn't word for word, but it gets the job done. Everytime I'm alone, as odd as it may seem, I seem as though I've grown farther away. Where as my hand can no longer be held and I am forever falling or crashing or burning.
But that whole concept of self worth is something that can drive anyone crazy insane or insane crazy. The whole idea of someone having one distinct value is uncomprehendable because of a matter of opinion. But in essence, it is really yourself that judges how much you are actually worth. I hope not, otherwise I wouldn't be worth as much as the ground you walk on . . . . . in other terms . . . screwed.
As much as this may seem as a shock to any of you taht actually read this because Amanda makes me ever so happy, I can't help but think it. You know as everyday goes by, a new idea or a new worry goes through my mind and the entire day I think about it. New worries, with new worries . . . . not good.
The poem that I had previous rambled off was said by me as I was walkin down the lonely pavement on my way to work. But as to how much is true, no one may ever know . . . not even me. I don't know how deep my feelings may go or fully beable to explain the reasons of why I feel the way I might.
I guess I felt this was something worth talkin about.
Current music: instrumental
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
1:20AM
The years I've lived have been full of one word . . anger. For as long as I remember, I can remember my mind bein clouded with some form of anger. Frustration, mental soreness, hate, etc. have filled me with who I was . . and probably am.
As a child, my most clear memories of of this one feeling . . the time I screamed at people peopel of something they did, or the anguish I decided to hide because it just wasn't worth it. But who are we to decide what anything is actually worth. perhaps someone rippin another's head off is worth it, but we did not realize it at the time . . . perhaps . . . or maybe it was right judgement to use control. Control, a word that can be related to so many different topics, becomes a necessity in today's times . . with standards . . with civility. But we all have our times of weakness . . where control typically doesn't phase us. Mine is baseball . . . any of those that I have played baseball with know that it's my outlet for anything . . . anything I feel. The open field allows me to say as I please and do as I please (and do within reason of course) and it makes me feel free. No one around me, no one there to do anything to me . . just me and the ball that I wait to come.
Recently, I can say I have been happy . . . because people . . . well mainly just one . . . has just helped me to smile, and be happy about things . . forget about life's hardships. The more I think about life though, the more anger I feel. The more I feel towards some of those poeple that I resent for every small reason they give me. If it isn't the feigned smile at somene that i once declared a friend . . . or the outright ignorance of some people that walk past me.
With baseball a minor part of me now, and work one major part (yet another thing I must be control myself for) I have yet to find a way to safely (without killing anyone) release the anger I feel. Rigth now, as you might think, I feel only slightly better about myself, and yet even more resentment for people . . . sittin here thinkin about them and all. But the question I should ask you is why. Why am I like this where as my anger surfaces pretty much all the time. . . . It's because it's the way I am and always have been and always will be. Although some people have not seen that part of me, it exsists even moreso than I've described. But the thing is people that have seen it don't need to worry, those I've yelled at or spoken to in such a manner to release my frustration or anger know that I'm open like that. But it's the times when it brews inside that someone needs to worry. because all it does is poke at something . . poke at my flesh until it . . . pops. Then what happens from there . . . ?
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
10:04PM
As I crawled from my bed onto the ground and up to where the computer lurks, a gentle chill ran down my spine. As if something had frightened it and it was tryin to hide amidst the blanket I am covered with. Guilt is something I can never help, something that is deep and drastic. And something that once thought, I realize why . . .
I can't help but blame myself most of the time, having an argument back and forth within my mind and the side which is against me always wins, always. Because my conscience works overtime . . . the lil' guy that tells you what is right. The persecutor who works overtime to find every flaw in your argument to use against you, so he can win. Well apparently the lil' bastard I have is the best in the world cause he never stops . . . never sleeps . . like me. I would like to start out by sayin that, tonight, I probably . . . . won't actually . . . won't get any sleep because of that ingrate. the precise reasons why I feel bad about everything I shall mostly keep to myself but I will say this . . . tonight has made me think even deeper than I had before tonight. I had an OK day I guess, but where it kicked up is when I spoke with Amanda because of the type of conversation we had. I'm not only more paranoid about everything I think now, but now I have more I have to think about. Somethings will become a sliver . . . lodged in my head for me to only feel, but cannot touch to remove.
The constant hormones piss me off . . . stupid male hormones . . . makin us horny 24/7. Some of us don't want it all the time . . . but get it anyway . . . yet another thing for my persecutor to use against me, to twist and manipulate my mind so I feel even worse about whatever it is I've done. What is it I feel guilty about? eh, you won't know, probably never will . . . . it'll be one of those things I keep within my gut until it spontaneously rips itself from it's prison and it bears its rather ugly and painstakin head . . . but I'll be OK, it's fine really . . . I just have to think about things and stop thinkin about others, although it seems alot harder than it said, I'll manage.
Have you ever had it to where you were afraid to close your eyes? Too afraid to reveal the forgotten lore that still wanders through your mind? I am, I've had that for awhile actually . . . afraid to ask questions in fear of anger or resentment for a response. I don't know what it is, but something has made me think about a deeper feelin to most things . . . something that makes my persecutor dig deeper and find even more things to nit-pick about.
This ranting will not help me, tellin ya now. But perhaps I shall become enlightened because of it, because I'm thinkin from a different angle . . .. who knows. But I must go, g'night.
Current music: silence (as usual)
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
12:07AM
"Some friends become enemies, some friends become family, make the best with what you're given, this ain't dying this is livin . . . So we're movin on and we got nothin to prove, to anyone . . . cause we'll get through." Nice song if I do say so myself. One of the better song from the original Good Charlotte CD. And in many ways, is true. It seems cliche since it is said so many times, but listen to and feel the lyrics of the music.
And another way to put it . . "But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anyone." Kinda like when you first go tubin on the lake and you kinda slip off . . . so you're skiddin across the water screamin . . . . and those drivin teh boat think you said go faster . . . . life doesn't stop, it only moves faster. It is our own perception of time that helps us make it through certain things in life. If, while tubing, you were to remain on the tube . . the boat would speed up anyway, you just have a better base, you they might stay a consistant speed and on ther other hand, if you are to completely fall off . . . or let go of the things you cherished in the past . . . . they would slow down for ya to catch up. If we try to do a million things at once, life passes us by and keeps goin faster and faster. Then, once we've realized the things we needed to let go of and let go of them and then try to re-start our lives . . . (in our perspective at least) life will slow down a bit to help ya get everything in order.
I look back on things I could've done and should've done and I do not regret much. Maybe a thing here and there, but suck it up, life goes on. Without my experiences . . . and especially my letdowns, then I won't be as happy as I am now with . . . Amanda, of course. Basically the only person I've been takin about for the past few entries. It pains me to think that if something would've went right the few months before we started goin out, it would have never happened and there's next to ntohin I'm more grateful for.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
1:13AM
Today was an interestin day . . . saw a couple of people I haven't seen in while . . .. a long while . . and I saw Amanda (always something to make me feel awesome throughout the course of a day) and I looked over my lil' sis. Those of you that know me, know I don't have a lil' sis . . . but I adopted my friend as my lil' sis. She was scared today and I help protect her in case she needed it (those of you that know me, know what I take a lesson for every weekend for the past like 9 months) so she knew I could protect her in case something happened. It's a long story, so if you wanna know, just ask.
On the way home I felt truly like something I never felt like before . . . a big brother. Amanda, being the great person she is, let me leave her house to go to my friend's cause she was afraid. Amanda is one of the most understanding people I've ever known . . . she's so great to me and treats me so awesome (even though she pokes fun at me half the time . . ) that I can't stop thinkin about her. She read me a poem last night, for her sake, I wont' post it . . . but it will be in my locker on Monday, haha. This is for you Amanda . .
The times I feel
A great sensation
I know that it's
Of our creation
Your wonderful smile
And radiant glow
Leave my heart
Continuing to grow
Expanding myself
To become a part of you
My mind and soul
N'my heart that's true
Cause it doesn't lie
It's just like me
It tells as it is
For all to see
So right now I say
With everyone to hear
The future I have
Is the thing I fear
But I know through ways
That you show you care
I can tell you now
I shall always be there
Like you I have
Fallin quite fast
And I have no doubt
This feeling will last
What I can tell you
Is my feelin is great
N'I know we shall last
'Cause it seems like fate
I don't know how much attention that may get from people and frankly I don't mind whatever it is . .. good bad, whatever it may be. The only person's opinion I care about is the one it's about.
I was thinkin on the car ride home about Amanda, and I think today meant more to me than it should have. But I think it really opened my mind to think how much she trusts me and cares about me and my friends and knowing that makes me feel something more than earlier today. Although it might be viewed as odd . . . tonight was probably one of the best nights I could've had . . .
Current music: holy water - big and rich
Saturday, April 16, 2005
1:15AM
. . . .scars, both physical and mental. Nonstop pain, and everlasting grief for someone . . . when provoked by a being . . . does this constitute abuse? But what if you do it to yourself . . . is it just bad maintenance or are you an abusive person?
I kinda feel like a car that's pretty old but still works . . . but must be used out of necessity, you don't take the best car of it. Recently, I think that I keep doin it to myself for no reason. My body and mind are running on fumes . . . work and school just seem to be so many hours . . .but I must go to school and I got to work alot in order to later buy a new car I'll want before senior year starts. I can be so tired, yet push myself to stay up another few hours and somehow slam my face against my pillow and not sleep for awhile (yep that's the insomniac in me). The past few nights I've fallen asleep no the floor . . . without gettin ready for bed . . . just from exhaustion probably. But what is it . . aside from sleep . . that can give me an extra boost to make it to the end of the year? I don't know, and I wish I knew because I may need it soon. Fallin asleep . . like actually havin a dream . . or nightmare, which comes more than a dream does, within the confines of the building I like to call Brother Rice.
So am I abusive if it involves myself? The intentional wearing down of the things that must keep me goin everyday . . . eatin cereal for breakfast . .. not a huge lunch and most of the time skippin dinner . . . . isn't that what they do to prisoners to torture then and make them suffer? Why, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not, would I do it to myself? Time . . . Hootie and the Blowfish have a song called "Time". I wish recently I didn't believe in time, like they claim, but I just can't. Life is based around so many hour workdays and school days. The only time that it doesn't exist is when I'm with Amanda . . . sometimes frozen in time as the call it, lookin into her eyes . . . it's a beautiful thing to me. Perhaps Einstein's theory of relativity has some practice here . . . it states that the more towards the speed of light we go . . . our atoms that we are comprised of start to oscillate slower and slows the aging process. Perhaps it is that I see her so far into my future that it correlates to the time thing . . light years into my future . . . and in the process freezin the time I know . . .
I don't know how it could happen . . . but all I want . . . is for it never to stop doin it . . . .
Current music: Holy Water - Big and Rich
Friday, April 15, 2005
12:09AM
“It urged him to an intensity like madness” D.H. Lawrence . . . this case means sexual stimulation, but what is an urge . . . something we can't control . . . have no power over? But why do we have them . . I believe it's to survive. There are several main urges a human has . . . the main one is the urge to survive . .then eat and drink, then urge to have sex . . . but let's think about why these are built into our minds for a moment. All three are crucial to the thriving species of humans, to survive from wild animals, or basically a conscience, is something we need to do for everyday life . . eating and drinkin of course . . . then sex. Which would explain why there are 14 year old pregnant teenagers . . even younger in some sadder cases. But at what point in society did kids become this involved with their urges to give into a temptation that seemed to give other generations little trouble? Like always, you think I'm goin to blame the media . . which evidently . . I am, but the bigger blame goes on those around us . . . with "peer pressure". Although I don't believe in it . . if you're goin to do something because of people around you then you obviously wanted to do it in the first place . . .
Sadly, I don't what more to put down onto here . . if I tried I may come up with something, but I will just leave it until tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
1:38AM
Sometimes you really have to sit down and think about the things around you before you realize what you actually have. I know it's very cliché and just plain over-used, but it's true. Don't take the intuitions you get for granted because they are there to help you through something. Although sometimes they can be a little over-bearing. Letting something affect another sometimes. I wish for that not to happen for me at least . . for something to carry over, but all I can do is deal with it and it will pass over time.
Most of the time i don't even realize if I say something dumb because stupidity in speech is like second nature . . . . go figure, the guy who thinks too much barely thinks before he speaks . . . ironic in a weird kinda way. But how can your mind relate two entirely different people into the same plane . . . into the same destructive category that once plagued your thoughts . . . probably for your own protection . . .mine has been decreasing over time, and it's gettin easier to think about and deal with. And I just hope this trend of decline continues until it's gone. I want to be able to do the things I want and not be limited by intuition sometimes . . ya know . .
Tonight I was goin through some junk in boxes . . . old papers and such. I have doin that so much, you have no idea. It starts to bring memories and I want to cry because most . . . well all of them are painful. They usually pertain to someone that had once left me and is gone from my life's cycle ( I found this lil' kid tie in the box . . no one would know anything about that besides Kevin, Matt and I, also found some lyrics from when I was still in grammar school and I saw some old notes from some old . . . good friends I used to have and also this yellow felt duck that quacks when you press his belly). But how come the mind clings so long onto the only evidence you have of things that were once held closely but are no longer sacred? The Future perhaps . . . . this and that intuition shit inter-twine. The memories remember the pain something or someone has caused you and you're intuition tries to implement a "lesson" for us all to learn from . . .
The future? Who's sure anymore, I know that I hate today and I will probably hate tomorrow . . . . and psych? like I said, I swing back and forth, I gotta look more into other majors. I can't help but feel a very bad nervous feelings tonight . . .. I hope they go away, I don't want to add to the amount of physical stress my body takes. I hope that things will smooth out within myself so I can start enjoying myself more and relieve some stress before I Collapse . . . I hope . . .
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
11:23AM
Sometimes people have that void they can never fill. I guess reality is I have one of these voids . . . . big shocker, I know, but I also may know what it is. Because sometimes you can just feel it . . . sense it underneath your skin, you can decipher what the hell is the matter with you.
As I have said dozens of times probably, I have no really cloe friends ever since all these incidents came to be . . . what those incidents are, I shall not repeat, but because of this I have a void. My "clique", so to speak, is gone and I know that I will never get another one. Perhaps in college I will, but for my remaining years as a high schooler, I will be a wanderer. I was walkin to work from school today and I saw a couple of friends, ones that I hold a respect and gratitude for because of what they they did for me not only at the play, but when I need them. I've been a terrible friend though, I know I have to apologize for it. I try to change it, but it just doesn't happen half the time and the other half I'm in oblivion . . . . if you're one of these people . . . I'm sorry.
But back to the story, they walked by me and they gave me a hug and I was talkin to one of them. Then driving past were people from drama of which I don't have a high regard for, and one of the girls frolics off. The one I spoke to finished her conversation and went where she needed to go. but the fact is that they are friends of mine, but they are not that close to me. Being hated by many in a place like Rice is not a great thing to feel. Goin through all your classes with a minimal amount of people to talk to can really take a toll emotionally on someone. That's where the void forms, the void for acquaintance of people. For people to be around me I can actually talk to without it having to be about something for school. But people already formed their opinions about me. yes, my "less than" normal maturity level supposedly and the way I display myself and treat people is less than par. Hard to form the friendships I had before.
Like I stated, I will never have in high school what I had before. I must wait for college. Those I thought would be my best friends at my wedding are vaquely present in my life now. And the bottom would drop out of my heart and soul if I didn't have the awesome feeling of knowing Amanda i s there, I care so much about her . . . I don't know if she realizes it. From here, I don't know where I'm goin to go . . .
2:11AM
recently also, I just can't stand school anymore. I know it's getting to be over, which is awesome, but I need it to be gone . . . I want summer to be here . . . or at least prom . . . which I am highly looking foreword to goin with Amanda . . . She makes me feel so great when i feel so shitty . . . like seriously, although I am still a pessimist, always figuring the worst will happen, I can't help but smile when I think about her or see her, it's a great thing.
But this whole lack of sleep thing, I mean I don't know if I can get more sleep, I need to use as much as the day as possible . . . I can't waste anything . . . I'm just one of those people that has to use everything up for something before I can even think about changing . . . . or sleeping for that matter.
I wish things were different most of the time. I want to have things that I've always wished, ever since I was a lil' kid even, to come true. But recently I can't help but know that I will succumb to those expectations of me, because they are set too high. Failing in the worst way possible . . . in front of those you care most about. I can't help but feel as though I shall fall flat on my face . . . having something unexpected happen that I should have seen coming . . . . even the things or people . . . I woudl suspect the least.
but realistically, I don't know how long I can pull out this minimal amount of sleep . . . hopefully as long as I need to . . . and referring to my previous entry . .. where I say I'mbitchy, I mean it's probably from the stress and responsibility of these days I always have ahead of me . . . as my boss always says "It's a vicious cycle . . . it's never ending". Soon enough this vicious cycle will engulf me and there will be nothing left. Referring back to the twenty minutes per three hours person though . . . I mean I don't even sleep that little . . . most of the time at least and I'm almost gone everyday. We should use our days as much as we can . . .. but let's just hope that the side effect of using that much time in a day without sleep isn't the monster I am becoming . . .
Monday, April 11, 2005
11:57PM
Damn it's been awhile since I posted in this . . .
I just got done reading some of Slaughter House Five and it makes me think. I know thinkin is bad for me but it just happens most of the time. Sometimes I feel as though I can relate to Billy in one aspect. . . . the fact I don't know where I may go next. My mind jumbles all the words and thoughts into so many incoherent fragments most of the time that even the things I want . . I get confused about. This has happened alot actually . . . just on more minor details that I really don't share with anyone to much. But something like Psychology/Sociology, I feel on days that this is the field I know I will strive and succeed in. On other days I become tired and restless and become irritated with the subject and think that it isn't for me. I think that as a junior now I should have a somewhat firm hold on this . . . or at least more than what my mind is giving me. I just want to be sure about something for more than a day or two. . . that's all
And I somehow got reminded of a famous person, don't remember who exactly, who slept twenty minutes for every three hours he was awake . . . . twenty four hour and only like two and a half hours of sleep . . worse than me. This guy thought sleep was a waste of time . . . like a few other great minds in our times. I feel sleep is useless . . just hours that you could spend doin something else . . . I guess that may be why I never really get to sleep . . the fact I'm testing the very limits of my being. Which I am starting to feel. Today I was bitchy . . I know I was and I'm sorry to those I've spoken to, but I know that this repeating cycle of school work for like fourteen hour days and like two or three hours of sleep is killin me. I need a day to rest . . . but I can't . . . at work people rely on me too much to be there for me to even think about missing a full day again. And I also need to talk to people throughout the day otherwise they get mad . . . never something to myself .
Current music: instrumental
Thursday, April 7, 2005
1:22AM
Tonight was not my usual night . . . usually I do piddly shit for awhile and talk online to people . . . sometimes about important topics . . other times about drivel. Tonight, like when I read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" . . I read a book . . well most of it. Slaughter-House Five . . evidently a good book by the way and quite interesting also . . . is a book that I must read for school. So naturally I blew it off because I've been reading "Juiced" which I am halfway through. It further proves my opinion that Jose Canseco is an idiot. But with Slaughter-House Five, the main character, Billy is unstuck in time . . meaning he time-travels without him even knowing . . wakin up in a different place and different time. But the reason why I speak about this is the science fiction part of the novel . . . the aliens known as Tralfamadorians see things in four dimensions . . which to my understanding means you see past, present, and future simultaneously in on view. But what intrigues and freaks me out kind of is their theory on death. Seein that they believe that when a person dies, they are not really dead, for as they are alive in the past so they are alive always. Not the idea of this freaks me out, but the similarity between what I had thought every once in awhile . .
As a kid, I wasn't the most responsible back then and I lost alot of things. I always thought that everybody loses something . . . and the best i could come up with is their footprints and handprints . . hey I was young. Everyone lost their footprints because they never got them back, yet they were always there. I always thought about death in this similar way too, which kind of intrigues me. Knowing that someone was once alive is alive alive, but in the past is a very simple concept to grasp, I mean think about it, you were once alive, and that time was in the past. And you can also relate that to a memory . . not exactly your vision. You can see anyone anywhere and or imagine the future. And combing those three things is what I used to do a year or few back . . . makin a four dimensional vision . . well kinda at least.
What can this be compared to? Broad-mindedness. Does this mean I have a broader mind, or is it everyone thought this similar crap about death as kids? I don't know what it could mean. . . for once.
Current music: instrumental
Wednesday, April 6, 2005
1:07AM
ACT . . . the dreaded acronym that juniors fear in April (when most of them take it) or possibly earlier than that. the amount of emphasize put on this test is amazing . . . basically they make it seem like your whole future depends on this test . . . which in essence . . it does, but there is the fact that grades help . . or so my older friends tell me when I ask them about it. I need like a 22 or 23 to get into the college I figure I'll want to get into for the major I like right now . . . so that's reassuring, haha. If not for tonight I'd probably be throwing up or something from bein nervous . . . seriously. the whole idea that this test is pressed as the most important thing you'll take in your life is very stressful. And the fact I suck at English and Reading doesn't help either . . . how the hell did I get like a 98 percentile on the entrance exam? haha. But things will be OK . . even dumb kids I know are gettin in mid-20's so I should be fine . . . I hope.
And on a separate note, Amanda, you've been great to me. I really care about you and you've helped me feel better about my life and kind of made me realize . .. although I still seem to think like a pessimist . . . that it is pretty good. Or at least I feel that way now because I'm with you now :). Although I worry about the future, I do not fear it . . . because with time comes great things and I can only hope that they're with you.
Fear, though, comes naturally. two things mentioned . . . the future and the ACT are two things that are highly feared in high schooler's days . . because we have no idea what it will bring. We may like surprises, but the fact that it could be on either end of the spectrum (good or bad) makes us nervous about it . . . . I mean we are only mammals, right. But, what is it to banish your fears? Is it saying good-bye to that which worried you, or does it imply something else? Does it imply we become less primitive and become a greater being . . that which separates us from animals . . well . . one more thing that separates us from animals at least. Interesting
Current music: True - Ryan Cabrera
Tuesday, April 5, 2005
1:24AM
"'Cause you're everywhere to me and when I close my eyes it's you I see, everything I know that makes me believe . . I'm not alone . . . " Everywhere by Michelle Branch is more than likely meant to mean people and a great and caring person in your life.
A person, one you love or care for deeply, is probably the reason for the lyrics in the first place. Everywhere, not like a fog as thought of as God, but a reminder. Seeing the beauty of someone in the clouds or flowers . . . the undying fragrance of a loved one in the flowers or shampoo. Or maybe a memory . . . a faded memory brought forth by a single item in your home or outside of it. A card, for instance, or the very same card you got her for her birthday before you broke up. I, for one, remember by lyrics. Songs, permanently scarred in my mind because of unfaithful or just unruly women that have stepped into my life. The lyrics, relating to me or something I've felt before as a whole, make me think. Some songs like "Everywhere" can possibly make someone happy, thinkin about someone they care about. The lyrics bring forth a happy and uplifting mood which makes me . . and probably most of you . . . smile unless the song is related to a lost one. If you can remember my earlier entries . . refer back to early February when "Back at One" played at the winter dance for Rice. In the passage I recall how I cried because of the memories . . . . memories, once cherished greatly, now are next to despised because of the feelings they bring forth. But that's OK. Making new memories will overlap and eventually overtake the painful ones. they will be faded . . . yet still in your mind to remind you of older times that you smiled, laughed, and cried with another.
I used to think of love as a one dimensional thing . . . where as to love a women and get married. But through the years I have come to see love more into a shared feeling between not only b/f and g/f but also with friends. I can name those I once loved as a person . . . but like the book says "Things change. And friends leave and life doesn't stop for anybody."
A memory . . . . probably the most valuable thing we all own. I'm makin new ones to renew a happiness I once had with older ones and my friends . . . "it's something unpredictable, but in the end is right . . I hope you had the time of your life".
Current music: Everywhere - Michelle Branch
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